I have a confession…

In this weeks conversation with myself, I make a confession.

Hi, my name is Rebecca, and I’m a potato-chipoholic.  As the Lay’s commercial goes, “bet you can’t eat just one!”  It’s true…I can’t!  So I hereby abstain, eschew and swear off my beloved potato chip.  While my love for you is strong, my heart and waistline just can’t take the pain anymore.


I’ll miss you the most Jalapeno & Cheddar

Are you stupid?

In this weeks conversation with myself, I discuss whether or not I like stupid people.

I mean, there are different levels of stupid.  But how stupid is too stupid?  And I’m not just talking about “book-smart” here – I mean, there’s also “street-smart”.  Plus, people can be smart in their own field.  For example, my sisters fiancee is a mechanic.  He isn’t technically book smart, but he has an incredible amount of knowledge pertaining to cars – not to mention his weirdly impeccable ability to recite lines from movies…it’s amazing.  I, on the other hand, am book-smart, but certainly not street-smart.  I’ve had a light in my apartment that has gone out for the last 2 weeks and honestly, I don’t know how to change it…nor do I want to learn how to change it.  My sense of direction is horrible and I get lost almost 90% of the time I’m going somewhere new.  But ask me about how to grow bacterial cells, clone DNA, what is the Higgs boson, and why Pluto isn’t a planet anymore (it isn’t…don’t fight it), and I’ve gotcha covered.  I don’t know if this can really be considered “smart” – it just means I’m good at memorizing and reciting things – which, let’s be honest, isn’t a particularly useful skill to have in every day-to-day life.

But back to the question, how stupid is too stupid?  I recently went out with a guy that flunked out of school and seems to have trouble distinguishing the difference between there, their and they’re.  Is that considered stupid?  Or is he just smart in other ways?  I’m not going to lie, it turned me off…a lot.  I started talking to him like he was a 12 year old boy – “Oh, you like fish?  That’s good!  What other animals do you like?”.  *sigh*.  So, while I understand that there are are different kinds of smart, I think it’s safe to say that I lean a little more to people who are book-smart.  Maybe it’s the Asian in me.  Or the researcher in me.  Or both.

So my question to whoever reads this is, do you think you’re book-smart? Street-smart? Or maybe you can be both?  Or maybe neither of these really exist?  What do you think?

I’ve hit a new low

In this weeks conversation with myself, I tell myself to fuck off.

As I sit here writing this in my pajamas – which I’ve literally worn all day because I’m a lazy ass – I’ve realized that I may have hit a new low.  My apartment is dark and hot.  All I can hear is Guy Fieri screaming, “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives!” on my t.v and my small fan is whirring in the background, as my body slowly melts and my ass print deepens in my couch.  It’s Saturday.  I woke up at 1 pm, ate spaghetti and then took a nap (a nap?!?!  Why am I tired?  I didn’t do anything!).  I then proceeded to sit on my couch and waste my day away.  I haven’t talked or seen anyone all day…I’ve literally just sat on my couch.  Ugghhhh…this is bad…this is really bad.  I’ve been doing this for awhile now – this staying-in-my-pajamas, sleeping-in-the-middle-of-the-day, letting-my-life-go-to-waste crap.  I need to stop this!  So, I told my lazy-self to fuck off.  She didn’t like this, but I don’t care, I hate her right now.

Side note: this is different from the low I experienced a couple years ago – waking up at 3 pm on Saturday, head pounding, stomach churning, make-up smeared on my face and pillow, the smell of alcohol oozing out of my skin.  Ya, that low.  I don’t want to make it sound like I had a drinking problem, because I didn’t.  I actually didn’t drink that often, the problem is that when I did, I’d drink a lot.  No self-control.  Anyways, I still drink, just not as much.  I hated the feeling.  I hated losing control.  I hated vomiting.

So ya, new plan.  Sunday morning – wake up at 8am..I hope…oh gosh I hope.  I’m gonna get shit done!  I made a list…that’ll help me, right?  This is gonna happen.  I have to make it happen.

Most importantly, I made a meal plan for my week.  No more excuses – I need to lose weight.  The ass print in my couch is surprisingly deep…it’s shocking really.  It’s more of a crater.  Like if there were tiny dinosaurs living on my couch, my ass hitting the couch would be the cataclysmic event that wiped out the entire species.  Ya, picture that in your head.

Also, my mother is attempting to set me up with her friends son.  *sigh*  Ya, I’ve hit a new low…it’s confirmed.  I don’t know if anyone is actually reading this, but have your parents ever tried to set you up?  Did you feel a sense of deep embarrassment and shame?  Or is that just me?


The Egocentric Predicament

I talk to myself…a lot.  I have more conversations with myself than I do with other actual people.

I don’t see a psychiatrist…yet, but when I do, this is how I’m going to start my session with them. It’s going to be great.

I once read that our perception of the world is limited to what our brains will tell us – that our reality cannot be seen outside of our own minds.  Whatever our brain tells us is true, we believe is true, and there is no way around this since we cannot observe the world outside of our brains.  Do you have 5 fingers?  Did you really eat cereal this morning? Does the world actually exist or is it just our minds telling us it does?  How do you know?  It’s very matrix-y.

matrix red pill1

No, Neo! Don’t eat the red pill!

Now, I believe that the world continues outside of my brain, but I most definitely live inside my brain.  Remember when you were a teenager and people told you that the world doesn’t revolve around you?  Or maybe you never heard this (but I’m sure you’ve wanted to tell someone).  Well, I disagree…kind of.  I can only perceive my world through my brain and process my interactions with my senses.  I can’t know what you see, what you feel, what you think.  My world and how I experience it might be different from your world. It’s inside my brain – so in a sense, it really does revolve around me…kind of.  Yes, this is an extremely egocentric way to think and honestly, I’m not sure how I feel about it, but it’s interesting nonetheless.

When I was a kid, I read a lot and spent a large amount of time drawing in my room.  My younger brother once told me that he doesn’t have a lot of memories of me when we were younger because I was always in my room – not talking to friends on the phone, as I’m sure all the cool kids did.  Nope.  I was reading and drawing…maybe crying.  I didn’t really have friends when I was younger, so I spent a lot of time on my own.  This gives you a lot of time to think – and think I did.  I was so conscious of this, the first job I remember telling myself I wanted, was to be a psychologist (what kid thinks of that??).  I wanted to sit and think about what other people were sitting and thinking about. Thinkception – think about it.  At one point, I became obsessed with ESP (extra sensory perception) and dreams – I wanted to be able to control my brain and what I was able to do with it.  I was nuts.  This insanity slowly faded as I gradually got more friends and occasionally stepped outside my room…weird how that happens.  But at the end of the day – friends or no friends, sunlight or no sunlight – my brain is still my best friend and always will be.  We don’t always get along…but hey, that’s what alcohol’s for.


Drinking champagne out of plastic cups in bed is classy…ok?

I don’t know what I’m doing

I don’t know what I’m doing…seriously.

I’m an awful writer.  I like to use the fact that I’m Asian as an excuse, but really, I grew up in Canada and was forced to take English classes from kindergarten to my first year of University – I have no excuse.  So a blog doesn’t seem like a particularly smart idea.  But I’ve been considering it for years now – a food blog. Yes!  I love food!  I’m going to be the next Anthony Bourdain!  But less witty…not as smart…far less interesting.  OK, maybe that’s not a good idea.  No, this is different.  I don’t want a food blog.  I want a me blog – my life, my journey, my endless search for happiness.  Yes, one of those blogs.  I know it sounds cliche and incredibly egocentric, but I feel that it’s necessary.

Just a few weeks ago, I met up with a friend that I had kind of lost touch with.  He started talking about how he’s been having trouble connecting with some of his friends because they just didn’t have the same interests and he was finding himself accommodating to what they wanted to do, but never vise versa.  I told him I was having a similar problem when it came to finding someone to date – I just can’t seem to find someone that likes to do what I like to do!  And then he asked me, “Well, what do you like to do?”.  It shocked me.  I think I just stared at him and I thought…I don’t know. How can I not know what I like to do?  That seems ridiculous.  I eventually managed to stutter, “reading?”.  But is that it?  What do I like?  What am I passionate about?  I don’t know.

Since the beginning of 2013, my life has felt like it’s out of control.  I mean, I’ve always been disorganized and I don’t know anyone that would consider me a particularly responsible, grown-up person.  But I feel like bad luck has struck me hard this year.  From losing my passport two days before I was suppose to fly (first world problems) to losing my beloved grandfather, it just feels like one thing after another.  I’ve been struggling in my Master’s program, I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life, I’m single and overweight.   Within the last few months, my closest friends have all moved or are planning on moving away to another city.  My brother, who lives in a different city, applied to come to school where I live and was recently rejected.  Needless to say, I’m starting to feel a little lonely and I need to fix this.

My grandfather was 93 years old when he passed away just two weeks ago.  I was (and still am) devastated.  He meant so much to me and I loved him so much.  He lived a long, fulfilling life.  He was incredibly smart, fiercely independent and unbelievably particular.  And I mean…particular.  In his will, he had arranged his whole funeral to the very last detail.  From tomb stone right up to what songs he wanted sung at the church.  He was a dedicated Catholic and he lived alone.  Never married, no family, no children.  Wait.  No children, you say?  And he’s your grandfather?  Well, not technically.  He’s a family friend that took care of me when I was little and has always been around my family.  As my sister once said, it’s weird calling a 93 year old man your “friend” – so, he’s my “grandfather”.  When he passed away, he was surrounded by friends and loved one.  Literally.  The hospital room could barely contain us.  I remember looking around the room thinking, “Wow!  Look how many people are here!”.  For someone who lived alone and didn’t have any family, he sure had a lot of people who loved him.  I want that.

So, why a blog?  I still don’t really know.  All I know is something has to change and maybe this will be the start of it.  I’ve been told by many people that I have “a way with words”.  I’m pretty sure this means, “you say a lot of stupid shit”, but hey, maybe that will be interesting on a blog.  The current plan is to post about things that I like….whatever that is. I don’t know if anyone is actually going to read this, but I don’t care.  Well, I care..but I don’t really care.  OK fine, I care. 

Anyways, writing this has made me hungry…