I don’t know what I’m doing…seriously.
I’m an awful writer. I like to use the fact that I’m Asian as an excuse, but really, I grew up in Canada and was forced to take English classes from kindergarten to my first year of University – I have no excuse. So a blog doesn’t seem like a particularly smart idea. But I’ve been considering it for years now – a food blog. Yes! I love food! I’m going to be the next Anthony Bourdain! But less witty…not as smart…far less interesting. OK, maybe that’s not a good idea. No, this is different. I don’t want a food blog. I want a me blog – my life, my journey, my endless search for happiness. Yes, one of those blogs. I know it sounds cliche and incredibly egocentric, but I feel that it’s necessary.
Just a few weeks ago, I met up with a friend that I had kind of lost touch with. He started talking about how he’s been having trouble connecting with some of his friends because they just didn’t have the same interests and he was finding himself accommodating to what they wanted to do, but never vise versa. I told him I was having a similar problem when it came to finding someone to date – I just can’t seem to find someone that likes to do what I like to do! And then he asked me, “Well, what do you like to do?”. It shocked me. I think I just stared at him and I thought…I don’t know. How can I not know what I like to do? That seems ridiculous. I eventually managed to stutter, “reading?”. But is that it? What do I like? What am I passionate about? I don’t know.
Since the beginning of 2013, my life has felt like it’s out of control. I mean, I’ve always been disorganized and I don’t know anyone that would consider me a particularly responsible, grown-up person. But I feel like bad luck has struck me hard this year. From losing my passport two days before I was suppose to fly (first world problems) to losing my beloved grandfather, it just feels like one thing after another. I’ve been struggling in my Master’s program, I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life, I’m single and overweight. Within the last few months, my closest friends have all moved or are planning on moving away to another city. My brother, who lives in a different city, applied to come to school where I live and was recently rejected. Needless to say, I’m starting to feel a little lonely and I need to fix this.
My grandfather was 93 years old when he passed away just two weeks ago. I was (and still am) devastated. He meant so much to me and I loved him so much. He lived a long, fulfilling life. He was incredibly smart, fiercely independent and unbelievably particular. And I mean…particular. In his will, he had arranged his whole funeral to the very last detail. From tomb stone right up to what songs he wanted sung at the church. He was a dedicated Catholic and he lived alone. Never married, no family, no children. Wait. No children, you say? And he’s your grandfather? Well, not technically. He’s a family friend that took care of me when I was little and has always been around my family. As my sister once said, it’s weird calling a 93 year old man your “friend” – so, he’s my “grandfather”. When he passed away, he was surrounded by friends and loved one. Literally. The hospital room could barely contain us. I remember looking around the room thinking, “Wow! Look how many people are here!”. For someone who lived alone and didn’t have any family, he sure had a lot of people who loved him. I want that.
So, why a blog? I still don’t really know. All I know is something has to change and maybe this will be the start of it. I’ve been told by many people that I have “a way with words”. I’m pretty sure this means, “you say a lot of stupid shit”, but hey, maybe that will be interesting on a blog. The current plan is to post about things that I like….whatever that is. I don’t know if anyone is actually going to read this, but I don’t care. Well, I care..but I don’t really care. OK fine, I care.
Anyways, writing this has made me hungry…